13th January 2016.

*this post may contain triggers for cancer, death and grief*

This post is a ramble of things in my brain that I have tried to condense into one place, it has taken me hours to write this and I can't read it through without having a breakdown so please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors. Thank you x

Today is a day that I have been dreading. No matter how hard I tried to put it off, it happened. Today is January 13th and it should have been my bestfriends eighteenth birthday, I should currently be packing before getting on a four hour train journey to Cornwall to go see her, to have a party and spend the weekend together. Unfortunately, I am sat in my room wearing her hoodie whilst trying to contain my tears as I remember that this won't happen. Last November, cancer took the most precious soul from this world and my heart shatters as I prepare to continue my life without her. 

Rhi and I have been friends since 2012, admittedly we only got close in 2014, but she was and still is my bestest friend and nothing will ever change that. For the 3 years of our friendship, we struggled as we had 187 miles between us, we fought to beat the distance as often as possible and in many ways we succeeded in meeting nine times; now I realise that those 187 miles were nothing compared to the unbreakable distance between us now. It's not even like she's a FaceTime call away anymore. My heart breaks to know that she didn't get to see her eighteenth birthday, to fall in love, have kids or get married but she did get to meet her favourite band, go to China and fight cancer all before becoming an adult. She will always and forever be my inspiration and I will strive to achieve everything that I want to, in order to make her proud. 

Rhi had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She was diagnosed in early 2014 and fought so bravely until late 2015. During this time she had countless doses of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and most recently a stem cell transplant. Nothing makes me prouder than to say that I was her bestfriend, she fought solidly for all of this time and it warms my heart to see how much fight such a small person can have. Her immense bravery and positivity during such awful times are something that I believe everyone should adhere to, she truly was and always will be a role model to anyone fighting an illness. Either mentally or physically, keep fighting and things will get better.

Undoubtedly, the past few months have been the worst of my, and so many others, life. I saw Rhi on the Tuesday, she was admitted back to hospital on Wednesday, induced into a coma on Friday, she then woke up after 11 days. She was awake for 5 days before going back into ICU for a week, she then passed away on the Friday. Me telling you this isn't me asking for attention or begging for messages, I receive so many questions asking who Rhi was, how I know her and what happened to her and having to relive all of this in my head when telling others isn't something that I am mentally strong enough to do. I hope that when you read this, it gives you an idea of the incredible person she was, I hope you read this and ask yourself what you are thankful for. Go give your mum a hug, go play that game with your little brother, go for a coffee with your bestfriend because you have no idea whether you will ever see them again. 

I saw Rhi just weeks before she died. Before we got into the car to go back to the train station, she hugged me and said "I love you so much Em, I always will and I promise that I will see you soon." As we drove to the train station, holding hands the entire time, I honestly had no idea that this would be the last time that I would ever see my bestfriend. I have seen people cry unimaginable amounts of tears as we have said goodbye to her, I've watched her family unable to leave the church as it's the last time they will ever be in the same room as her, I've sat and sobbed with my friends as we tried to think of ways to bring her back. But nothing ever will. 

Rhi, I love you so much and I promise you that I always will, always and forever like we promised? These past few years have been wonderful, heartbreaking but wonderful. You brought so much happiness to me and I can honestly say that I have never been happier than when I was with you, you made me laugh unreal amounts and when I learn to look through the sadness, I know that our memories will make me happy forever. Thank you for being the best friend I could ever possibly have, you were always always there for me and I am never going to forget the wonderful things that you said to me. Thank you for making me happy and for telling me how great I look when I evidently don't. Thank you for opening up to me, for the 3am phone calls as we sobbed, for the times when you told me more than you probably should have. Thank you, for everything. I know I thanked you all the time when you were here but that won't ever be enough, thank you for absolutely everything my angel. I hope that you're happy now, that they're treating you well up there and that you are dancing with the princesses, fairies and angels. Most importantly, I hope that there is no pain up there. You are finally free and I am so proud of you for that. I miss you more than anything and although this pain gets harder every day, I am going to learn to live with it. I am going to make you proud I promise.

Happy 18th birthday, 

I love you so much my sassy little Ariel,

Lots of love, hugs and Disney magic from your Flounder xxxxx

(To whoever may be reading this, I want you to know that I am always here for you. If you are also grieving a loved one or even if you just need someone to talk to, then please dm me on twitter @jaymcguines. I have had so many wonderful messages from so many lovely people recently and I feel as though I need to make it up somehow. So please please please don't hesitate to message me should you need to do so.)